College freshman year spring break is a time typically spent making an ill-advised trip to rosarito or san felipe or  *gasp* tijuana, drinking, partying with thousands of similar folks, hooking up, getting sick and spending the following week recoverying….this is not one of those stories.  I, instead, spent my spring break freshman year at home in McMinnville, Oregon where i grew up…..yes, dear readers….McMinnville (with both a Mc and a ville for that extra country flavor).  I was dealing with high school sweetheart relationship drama and at that time a trip to mexico just wasn’t in the “cards” (was that foreshadowing?….yes, yes it was).  So by the time summer rolled around i was back in McMinnville and a bunch of high school friends and i decided to make the journey to Mexico for a week of drunken stupidity.

We rented a two story condo in San Felipe with a patio on the second floor and a sliding glass door leading into the main living area.  The sliding glass door needed to be lifted and slid, an arduous task for even the most sober of challengers and certainly not something to be tried with one hand.  The night in question was started off by me downing 3-4 rum and cokes, which for most people my size would have amounted to a burp and a “i think i kinda feel buzzed” but for some reason my DNA has decided is have the alcoholic tolerance of a pre-pubescent girl and at this point i was thoroughly drunk.  A group of us wandered out onto the patio and started talking to some folks around our age across the way and invited them to come through and kick it.  As it turns out, they made up roughly 72% of the people our age in San Felipe who weren’t us that week….the place was a ghost town.

They came over and 6 of us ended up on the patio, 3 guys, 3 girls and at this point tequila shots sounded entirely appropriate….as i learned that night, tequila shots are never really appropriate.  I had never had tequila shots before so i threw back 3-4 within 20 minutes.  We were chillin, talkin some more and right around the time the shots hit me like a Mack truck someone suggested strip poker.  Wow, GREAT idea.  So we sit down and start playing and at this point i can tell that i have cards in my hand….sadly that was pretty much the extent of my visual capacity as i had no idea what was on the individual cards.  I proceeded to lose every hand, or so everyone else told me and within 20 minutes i was chillin in my boxers with everyone else sporting hoodies and sweats.  I lost the final hand and stood up and said something resembling “do i have to take my boxers off?”

Guys: NOOOOO
Girls: YESSSSSSSS

Consequently, said boxers were removed.  Not really knowing what the next step was i sat back down with my boxers in one hand and my….self in the other.  Everyone spent the next 10 minutes either quiet or giggling while i sat, naked, staring off into the mexican night sky at the table with everyone still engaged in an intense game of strip poker.  After those 10 minutes had passed, my friend Rob, who was sitting next to me had had enough. 

“Clint, what the FUCK are you still doing here?!? I don’t want to sit next to your naked ass, go inside.”

My thought process went something like this: “hmm, that’s an entirely reasonable request….i guess i should head inside….i remain naked, but i need to find a bathroom inside to change back into the boxers in my hand….putting them on right now makes entirely too much sense for a person in my current state”

So i headed over to the aforementioned sliding glass door, which ended up being the bane of my existence for the next 11 minutes.  Still trying to shield my crotchal region from public view (was it cold?….it sure was) i had to use my other hand, which was holding my boxers to get the door open.  I spent the next few minutes just shaking the handle in drunken frustration as the door stayed put.  This got the attention of everyone hanging out inside, which prompted a “Get the camera!” from someone.  Throughout all of this i was showing my non-tan ass to everyone still playin the game on the patio.  Once it processed that they were going for a video camera and that this might not end well for me i decided that putting my boxers on outside in front of everyone was an embarassing risk i just had to be willing to take.  There ended up being a half second shot of my ass as i fell into my boxers on the patio.

Hours later i was puking up everything i had ingested since entering Mexico and Rob felt the need to film it all.  Oddly enough he was also inspired to give me the inspirational speech from Cool Runnings, which he had watched the week before and he made me repeat it word for word “I see pride…..i see power….” of which i possessed neither at that point and time.

We headed home a few days later, having completed our take on the young, stupid, intoxicated, Mexico trip which i’m convinced everyone makes sound much better than it actually was in order to dupe future spring breakers into suffering a similar fate…..