Slanglish –

 

I work in an office environment where everyone should be (which isn’t to say they are) on the phone most of the day.  Our job is to recruit people out of their existing jobs and place them in new ones and make money in the process.  As a result the people that are the most successful in our business are ones that are able to quickly build rapport, read people’s tone over the phone, grab their attention and connect with them all in less than about 5 minutes.  Definitely not the easiest thing to do and sometimes you stumble over your words a bit.  I have the ultimate privilege of sitting approximately 3-4 feet and one (completely  ineffective) cubicle wall away from one of the loudest land based mammals known to Southern California, who I will affectionately call TheMasters.

TheMasters is an absolute sweetheart, makes friends with everyone, goes out of her way to be sweet to complete strangers and is truly amazing on the phone.  She gets tons and tons of candidates, spends all day on the phone and is really starting to get rolling on closing some deals.  AND…she does all of this without the liberty of having a complete grasp of the English language.  She’s not particularly big on grammar – “oh I thought I heard a little one in the background…what’s he or she’s name?” – and has a tendency to mix up metaphors as bad as everyone I’ve ever else heard do it…combined.  Little gems like “don’t put all your eggs in one cookie jar”…”well that’s speaking from the horse’s mouth…not calling him a horse or anything”…and…”your resume doesn’t speak justice to who you are, you’re one bright cookie” provides endless entertainment for those of us in earshot (read: the greater Los Angeles area).

However, I got to thinking about the mistakes TheMasters was making.  We laugh because certain phrases are accepted within our culture as meaning certain things but to an apparent non-English speaker like TheMasters, these mistakes are understandable.  There are a LOT of sayings in the English language that don’t make much sense at all, and I thought I would explore some of them.

A Piece of Cake - Why is this the go-to saying for meaning something is really easy?  First of all, cakes are fucking tough to make (unless you are a girl name Tami that I work with, she is awesome at it).  Secondly, are we saying that cutting a piece of cake is easy?….Or that eating it is easy?…”All you have to do is unlock the door and the prize is yours, it’s a piece of cake!”  What is?  The lock?  The door?  I suppose the prize could literally be a piece of cake in this hypothetical but that’s not how it’s conventionally used and a rather underwhelming prize.

The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread - Really?…NOTHING noteworthy has come along since someone sliced bread that could supplant it’s greatness?  How about massage chairs, computers, Chipotle, iPhones, Diddy Riese cookies, airplanes, e-mail, me being born, or fucking radiohead?  Who are these yeast-loving elitists that remain unimpressed by modern miracles (yes all those above apply)?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words – What if your action is the act of talking?  Aren’t you by nature taking part in an action if you’re speaking?

You Want to Have Your Cake and Eat It Too - Yes, yes I do.  And I don’t feel the least bit bad about it.  Am I just supposed to have the cake and let it sit there?  The way this is phrased it would seem that you have to choose between having your cake and eating your cake and to ask to have both makes you a diva.  However, how do you eat your cake without having it?  To want to eat the cake you have received never seemed to be all that unreasonable a request.

She is the Apple of My Eye - What do apples have to do with eyes?  Aren’t potatoes the members of the produce gang that have eyes?  And if we’re using this to mean that she is the most cherished above all others, can’t we pick a better fruit?  Don’t get me wrong but I’d rather be the grape, watermelon, cantaloupe or pineapple of someone’s eye.  Fall back apple….fall back.

At the Drop of a Hat - We all know this to mean right away, but couldn’t we pick something heavier that would fall quicker?  How about at the drop of a brick?  Or at the drop of a very very fat person?  At the drop of a hat conveys to me that yeah that’s important i’ll do it soon, but I’m not instilled with a sense of urgency.

Bite Your Tongue - I don’t know about you, but if I bite my tongue I have a tendency to make a lot more noise than I was previously, not less.

Beat a Dead Horse - Where the hell did this come from?  Was there really someone who ran up on a dead horse and began beating it mercilessly, only to have a friend interrupt and point out the un-alive nature of said horse?  ”Ah, thanks friend, I was unaware…now I know that my efforts were unnecessary.”

Can’t Cut the Mustard - Unless there is a country in the world employing brick-like mustard for its sandwich needs, this doesn’t appear to be that arduous of a task.

Don’t Put All Your Eggs In One Basket - Why not?  This makes them much easier to carry.

Don’t Look A Gift Horse In the Mouth - Aside from perhaps Mr. Ed, I remain unconvinced that there are a lot of horses that are in a position to be handing out gifts.  And why would you look a horse in the mouth anyway, horses don’t see out of their teeth…I’ve never understood this one.

You Drink Like a Fish - I’m fairly sure fishes don’t drink that much, if they did there would be nothing left for them to swim in.

You’re Driving Me Up The Wall - Speed Racer and Minority Report aside, who is driving on walls and why is this considered a bad thing?  If someone drove me up a wall, I wouldn’t be upset, I would thank them and compliment their cool car.

Let’s Get Down To Brass Tacks - This seems to imply that all major negotiations revolve around brass tacks and frankly I haven’t seen or used a brass tack since I was making things in grammar school arts and crafts.  I highly doubt the potential Microsoft Yahoo merger was held up over an inability to agree on the use of brass tacks.

Going To Hell In A Handbasket - A handbasket?  That’s our mode of transportation?  Why can’t it either be something very fast (going to hell in a G4) or very uncomfortable (going to hell in coach in the middle seat of an American Airlines flight when the jackass in front of you keeps slamming into your knees)?  Other than those absurdly annoying little dogs (who ought to be shipped to hell) what fits in a handbasket?

Kick The Bucket - This means someone died.  How?  Were they standing near a bucket, had a heart attack and kicked the bucket as they fell over to die?  I highly doubt this has happened since the 1780’s in Ireland.

Lend Me Your Ear - If I give you my ear, then for whatever period of time you have it, I will not be paying attention as I will only be able to hear half as well.

It’s Raining Cats and Dogs - Can we at least pick animals that are very very big (it’s raining elephants and brontosaurus’) or animals that can fly and belong in the air anyway (it’s raining eagles and parakeets)?

The Whole Nine Yards - What things do you know that are nine yards?  At least they could make it 10 yards and thusly a first down, which is something that most football players want all of.

Til the Cows Come Home - Apparently the aforementioned cows are not under curfew and are the most serious partiers of all the livestock.  Or perhaps these cows are on a pilgrimage and as a result we do not expect them back any time in the near future and given their strict, conservative nature, we are allowed to do what we want until they return.

You Can’t Judge A Book By It’s Cover - I’m pretty sure most people do this when making a book purchase.  This is why the title, author, all the accolades and story summary are on the cover; it’s where you’re supposed to look to see if you want to read something.

Cat Got Your Tongue? - Of all things why would the cat have my tongue?  In my experience the cat usually either has my sock or has decided to scratch the shit out of my lap before having a nap on it.

Fly By The Seat Of Your Pants - Unless your asscheeks double for wings this is highly unlikely.  Either that or this is truly the next step in designer jeans.  Seven For All Mankind And Air Travel.

As you can see, TheMasters failure to properly use phrases and metaphors that make no literal sense when you use them correctly should not be held against her….though laughing in her general direction is entirely appropriate.  Feel free to leave comments with other common ones I may have left out…

 

I date too much…

I’ve realized this of late.  It’s expensive, it’s exhausting and oftentimes, it’s fruitless.  I suppose I’ve been more avid about dating lately because it dawned on me that I haven’t been in a relationship for well over 5 years and being in a relationship is a rewarding and lovely thing and frankly, I’m far too awesome to not have an awesome girlfriend.  This isn’t to say that I’m approaching women in bars with a look of despair in my eyes and begging them to see how great of a person I truly am…I save that approach for my online dating…(mostly) kidding.  It’s just that I’m open to the idea of a relationship where I haven’t been in the past and I’m giving myself more opportunities to be presented with that option.  However, there are a couple problems with my approach to dating:

1. I’m very picky.  I expect a LOT out of someone in a close relationship with me, be they friend or girlfriend.  This is the reason I’ve had the same close circle of friends for damn near a decade now – they are amazing, unique, intelligent individuals who all add value to my life and know and care for me and have my best interest in mind.  I have to truly respect you to let you into my inner circle.  That respect is borne out of combination of things, but briefly, you need to be funny, intelligent, caring (on a macro and micro level), and very importantly, I need to be very attracted to you.  I don’t mean you need to be objectively a perfect 10, I’m nowhere close (unless a 9 is close, then yes, I am close) but I need you to be beautiful to me.  And that can come in maaaaany different packages as I’ve dated a variety of ages, races, heights, etc.  I guess this boils down to three main things: be physically attractive, be funny and be smart.  Sounds simple doesn’t it?  Apparently not.

I feel like I’ve found so many women in LA that are extremes of certain characteristics that I look for in a woman, but rarely is there a balance.  For example, if a woman is intelligent, we spend the entire time talking about politics and civil rights and who’s gonna be the first to start the revolution and I’m left sitting there pondering the comedic genius that is potty humor (seriously, the word poo in and of itself is hilarious….replace shit, poop, dump or your favorite defacatory descriptor with poo…hours of laughs).  OR…if she’s sarcastic, which I often get confused for being, we spend the entire night trying to one-up each other, a competition she is bound to lose and find me more attractive in the process, and I’m left feeling as if I just went through 4 rounds of tryouts for an improv comedy team, it’s exhausting being this funny.  But I don’t necessarily feel that #1 is the problem for me, everyone should be picky about who they choose to be with so they can give their whole self to them, it’s that it’s coupled with #’s 2 and 3 that make it an issue.

2. I’m shy.  Those that know me well would completely disagree as I’m typically very outgoing, personable and likeable; but those that know me best know this to be true, I am a shy kid at heart, emphasis on heart.  I have no problem asserting myself in a family, friendship, acquaintance or even professional setting – I mean Sweet and Sour Jesus my job is to call strangers all day and try to convince them to trust me to get them a better job, you can’t be shy and be good at this, and I am good at my job.  However, I think I tend to compartmentalize those things a bit differently, even if it doesn’t make sense to do so.  If I upset my family or friends for something I do or say, I know they love me and we’ll get past it and I’m not shy about voicing my feelings or even admitting I’m wrong (I’m ready and prepared if and when this moment happens).  If I say or do something that causes an acquaintance or a friend of a friend to dislike me, my response is often either a). they don’t know me, I don’t take it personally or b). that was hilarious, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.  At work if I get hung up on, or someone tells me they don’t want to work with me that’s fine, they have their professional interests at stake and I respect their decision to stay put or work with another recruiter, I don’t really take it all that personally (unless I’ve put a lot of time and effort into working with them and they screw me, in which case they are heartless douchebags and I hate them and all their friends).

But like I said, it’s different for me when it comes to approaching women and it always has been.  I take it personally if a girl doesn’t like me, even if she doesn’t know me.  If I find a girl attractive and I talk to her, I’m very likely much more reserved than I typically am because I want her to like me and I’m so invested in her judgment of me that I pull back and put on the doormat nice guy act so there is less to judge.  Without sarcasm there is less negativity, less of a chance something can be taken the wrong way, less of a chance something can go wrong.  It also seriously hinders the prospects of something going right.  Cognitively I know this, but I want this girl to like me, so I act more shy (read: boring) and consequently get passed over as a serious option.  However, a lot of this shyness is in the initial phase, the introduction or the getting to know you phase.  This leads to my last, and possibly most problematic flaw in my approach to women.

3. I don’t go after what I want.  If I get introduced to a girl or meet them in a social setting where most people know each other (so no, not Cheers, as I do not know her name) and there is no obvious agenda to my approaching her, then I’m fine.  We can talk to each other in a friendly manner with no necessary intent of needing her to decide quickly if she’s interested in continuing to talk to me or not; we’re just hanging out.  Alternatively, if I am in a bar/club and I see a woman and notice that – a). damn, she’s fine; b). she’s got a warmth about her, good energy, seems nice and cool (yes, I realize I just described a dream girl as both warm and cool…told you I was picky); and c). GOTdamn she’s fine – then I freeze.  Why?  Great question.  She clearly meets the preliminary criteria of what I want, so why don’t I go after it?  It’s a combination of things.  Part of it is ego and shyness – namely I think I’m pretty awesome and if she doesn’t agree then I take it personally and that sucks so why put myself in a position to be rejected.  But part of it is not wanting to come off as so blatantly transparent.  I consider myself to bring a lot to the table in all my relationships (friend, girl or otherwise) and I hate to simplify my interest and what I am to such a primitive emotion, especially since I know NOTHING about her other than how she looks from across the room.  In my head it always plays out as:

Me: “Hey, so I thought you were hot from over there….so I’m over here now.”

Her: “Oh….hi.”

Me: “Hi!….guess I shoulda thought through the rest of what I was gonna say.”

Her: “Probably woulda been a good move.”

Me: “Well then…um…you having fun tonight?”

Her: “Yeah….why don’t you go back over there and give this another shot-”

Me: “Oh, haha, ok like a do-over, cute.”

Her: “-with someone that’s not….me.”

Me: “Less cute.”

I’ve shared this bizarre, made-up scenario with several women I know and most of them say something to the effect of “that is sooo adorable, you should totally do that, if she’s cool she’ll appreciate your honesty”.  I have yet to try it.  More than anything I need to take the thinking out of it.  It really is analysis paralysis – or as the intro to Gin And Juice from Snoop’s Doggystyle reminds us “study long, study wrong”.  I’m too invested in the outcome at this point that I genuinely have to not care what happens in order to just be myself.  As a result, I have no problem charming the poo (funny? yes indeed) out of women I’m not interested in but those I do want I don’t go after for the most part.  The few exceptions are the instances described at the start of #3 where there is no pressure to do or say or act like anything and those are few and far between mostly because I’ve had the same damn circle of friends for almost a decade and we pretty much know everyone the rest of us know.

The one area where I’ve been completely comfortable approaching women without knowing them at all is via online dating (whatever, most of you have done it…and to those of you that haven’t you’ve all been on a date and you’re online right now, I just took it one step further).  The reason this is “safer” in a way is a). it’s not face to face and it’s not as soul crushing when you get a no and b). you can see so much about them (and vice versa) and display your true personality in your first interaction with them, which happens to be my strongest attribute.  The results are sometimes less than desirable but they do make for funny stories.

I think the problem inherent in my dating strategy is that because of the fact that I’m shy and I don’t go after what I want, I make concessions in my picky nature in order to date (as dating can be fun and the potential for a relationship is always exciting) and this ends up biting me in the ass in the longrun because ultimately they are not what I wanted in the first place.  This brings me back to my original point.  I tend to date way too much because I oftentimes go out with women who may not be exactly what I’m looking for.  This leads to more first dates and second dates but far fewer third dates.  ”Well,” you say, “clearly you’ve at least partially removed your head from your ass in this little diatribe, now you know what you need to do, so go do it.”  Yes and no.  Conceptually I know I need to be more assertive with who I go after, or at least be aware of what certain situations are and will be, the application is a bit tougher but well worth it.

For example, I recently went out with a woman 10+ years my senior who I’ve known for quite some time.  We both know we are at totally different places in our lives and know that any kind of relationship is out of the question.  But we’re attracted to each other and we enjoy each other’s company and you know what?  We had a blast – this is precisely what I’m talking about when I mentioned the importance of being aware of what certain situations are and will be.  Compare this with another date I recently went on with a girl who was very attractive and nice enough but I could tell had very different values than I did (namely, I valued intelligence and she did not).  We went out a couple times, I had some doubts and like I tend to do when confronted with an attractive woman who I’m not totally enamored with, I went out with her again.  It was in the middle of this date that my hunch was indeed confirmed based on a conversation we had.  We were talking about our families and the topic of being a big brother to my two younger sisters came up:

Me: “Well I’ve never really had to be all that protective of them since neither one has, to my knowledge, had a serious boyfriend.”

Her: “Really?  How old are they?”

Me: “22 and 24″

Her: “Wow…well what if they are lesbians?  Like, what would you do if they came to you and told you they were a lesbian?”

Me: “Um, love and support them.  I might be a little shocked initially but they are my sisters I love them no matter what.  You say that as if there’s something wrong with being a lesbian….what if your brother came to you and told you he was gay?”

Her: “No.”

Me: “What?”

Her: “Nope”

Me: “What do you mean no?  What if he came to you and told you he was gay?  What would you do?”

Her: “I would take him out and get him some pussy.”

Me: “And what if he said ‘No thanks, I don’t want pussy, I prefer dick’?”

Her: “Wouldn’t work, unacceptable.”

Me: “What the hell do you mean?”

Her: “Look, I’m not homophobic, I just don’t believe in homosexuality.”

Yes kids, for those of you scoring at home, my date did indeed say, “I’m not homophobic, I just don’t believe in homosexuality.”  Wow….just….wow.  Ignorance beyond ignorance.  At this point the civil rights lawyer within me started doing pushups and shadowboxing in preparation for a fight but I calmly finished my drink and as we were both fairly tired, suggested we call it a night.  Just for kicks, let’s briefly explore the lunacy of that statement.  Mirriam-Webster defines homophobia as the “irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against homosexuality or homosexuals.”  In her mind, she probably rationalizes it as “I’m not afraid of gay people, I just don’t believe they’re really gay cause it’s not natural and they must have made a choice.”  However, when you “don’t believe in homosexuality” you are completely discounting their way of life, which is certainly discriminatory and absolutely falls under the definition of homophobia.  Don’t the homosexual acts of the members of the anti-gay Christian right prove that one’s sexual orientation is not a choice?  (Bill Maher makes this point in his “Dickheads of the Year” article for Rolling Stone)

*Steps off soap box*

In any event, I suppose I’m saying all this as a means of challenging myself not to date for the sake of dating in hopes that the B candidate will somehow morph into an A+ with a trip to El Cholo and a couple margaritas.  I’m challenging myself to either really go after what I want and be truly excited about dates I go on, or cut that shit out and go out with people I know I’ll have fun with, even if there’s no potential for something serious.  Something I’m sure both my wallet and my ego will appreciate.

Weddings, Drunk Drivers and Benzes, oh my!

It’s been a while since I wrote something, mostly because I worked my ass off last week and was tired when I got home each night and then this week has been nothing but drama.  I’m really starting to realize that you can’t go 100% at my job every week, sometimes you have to take days off (not completely, but just do more low key stuff) cause it’s not easy to be “on” all the time and excite people about changing jobs.  I guess I’m still learning how to most efficiently run my desk and try to stay positive, which has been particularly tough considering the universe decided to wind up and shit all over my life time after time for the last few months.

In any event, on Saturday my “little” sister (she’s 6′1″) drove up to my place from San Diego and left my parents Solara with me, as my parents had agreed to take my car and sell it and give me the Solara as opposed to just selling the Solara since my sister is moving to NYC and will no longer need it.  We drove up to San Francisco for my cousin, Rebecca’s, wedding.  If you’ve ever taken this joyful little trip up I-5 you can back me up on the fact that there is literally nothing between LA and the Bay Area.  And I don’t mean that in the “oh there are some boring towns that aren’t as cool as San Francisco” way…no, there is literally nothing but farmland and open space.  As a result, when my sister decided to nap half the way up, I had to jam 3,286 sunflower seeds in my mouth to keep myself awake – I now have fulfilled my body’s sodium intake through roughly 2013.

We got to my aunt’s place and my other cousin Scott, his wife Becky and their two kids Maya (3 years old) and Sebastian (9 months old) were there and I was quickly reminded of how much I love kids.  After dinner my aunt handed Sebastian off to me and though he had been crying pretty much instantaneously when anyone he didn’t know was holding him, he warmed up to me pretty quickly – of course this may have had something to do with the fact that he had napped and been fed immediately prior to sitting with me but let’s not get caught up in the minutia.  We played with my iPhone, he danced a little and then promptly sharted on my left thigh…fortunately for all parties involved he was wearing a diaper at the time.  A little later Maya and I played jumprope, which basically consisted of her holding a rope of beads in each hand like a jumprope and I would lift her up and she would jump over it and then back again.  Endless entertainment.

The next morning I was still a bit groggy considering my sister decided that the best way to inform me that I was snoring the night before was to throw a candy bar at my head and tell me to shutup at 3 AM.  I took a nap while my sisters shopped for outfits for the wedding and was ready to go upon their return.  I’m used to getting dressed up as I had to be suited and booted  every day of the week at my old job but my family is a different story.  We’ve never gone to church and so we don’t have “church clothes” and given that my parents live in the Northwest (unless you work for a REALLY snooty company, wearing Birkenstocks and jeans with a flannel button up shirt to work is pretty much par for the course) getting all gussied up isn’t exactly in the Russell repertoire.  I was really pleasantly surprised by how great everyone looked…my mom and sisters wore dresses (*gasp*) and makeup (*GASP*) but my dad attempted to wear three markedly different shades of grey with the only commonality in the garments being a notable lack of ironing.  My sisters quickly remedied this somehow and off we went.

The wedding was at a great winery in Napa and the setting was perfect.  It was a really small ceremony and I was surprised at how few people my cousin’s age (25) were there – which was naturally a disappointment for me, as I was informed by the Wedding Crashers that weddings are the perfect place to meet hot single women.  Fuck you for getting my hopes up Wedding Crashers, fuck you in your stupid face.  The actual ceremony from start to finish was only about 10-15 minutes, which I found to be VERY quick but probably the right amount of time given the fact that the groom (my cousin was the bride) looked eerily similar to a deer in the headlights.  It was as if as soon as he walked down the aisle his central nervous system shut down and he was on autopilot.  The one thing his body remembered to do was smile so he had an enormous smile paired with terrified eyes and a Frankenstein body as he made his way from singledom to married life.  I was actually a bit concerned that this had greater implications but it was quite evident during the reception that it was just nerves and that he and my cousin are going to be very happy together for a very long time.  Immediately after the ceremony when the bride and groom were making their rounds and saying their thank you’s I managed to catch this little pearl of a conversation between the groom and an elderly woman I can only assume is somehow related to him.

Woman: “Congratulations!  I’m so proud of you, you managed to hold it together, didn’t even cry!”

Groom: “Are you kidding?!  I was crying my balls off up there, I just managed to hide it from everyone.”

Woman: “Crying your balls off?”

Groom: *shrug* “I dunno, I’ve had a lot to drink…”

Woman: “….oh…”

The food was good, the wine was great and as soon as I was done eating, little Maya was tugging on my shirt.  ”Um, Clint…I wanna play jumprope.”  It became quickly evident that we were sans jumprope as no one thought to bring one to a wedding, but we improvised and ended up using my tie as the rope.  I took Maya up on the porch overlooking the reception and we started playing jumprope for all to see.  And for any that weren’t already paying attention, Maya felt the need to alert them – “MOMMY!!!!  MOMMY!!!!  WATCH ME JUMPROPE!!!……….GRANDMA!!!!  GRANDMA!!!!  LOOK HOW HIGH I’M GOING!!!”  This prompted another little girl, presumably from the groom’s side of the family, who I had never met before, to wander up and announce that she, too, would like to take part in the jumproping festivities.  Who am I to say no?

Pretty soon we were jumproping backwards and forwards and I was teaching them how to limbo and then i tied them together and they walked around and showed their parents that yes, they were in fact tied together.  I had forgotten how easily little kids are entertained.  We’re so laden with fast-paced images and immediate sensory gratification via TV and the Internet and cell phones that we often forget that when we were younger we could play with a cardboard box that a refrigerator came in for HOURS and then get up and do it all over again the next day.  The three of us also branched out and played hide and go seek and tag and about halfway through this 3 year old pentathlon my aunt came up and sat down next to me.  

Aunt: “This is SO cute, you’re really good with kids….tell me the truth, are you doing this to impress a girl?”

Me: “Um, no, just having fun”

Aunt: “Well why the hell not?  This is adorable and it would TOTALLY work.”

Me: ”Duly noted.”

About a half hour went by (and apparently several drinks for my Aunt) and after the girls were tired out and went to go have dessert my Aunt came up to me again.

Aunt: “You really are great with kids.”

Me: “Thanks yeah we had fun.”

Aunt: “Here’s the thing, you need to get a girl-”

Me: “OK”

Aunt: “-because a girl can PROVIDE you with kids, that’s how it works.”

Me: “No I get it, just been single for quite a while, so I’m working on the girl part before I jump into any offspring endeavors.”

Aunt: “Well what the hell’s the problem?!”

Me: “I’m shy at times and I don’t always go after what I want.”

Aunt: “Oh….well fix that.”

Me: “Good talk.”

The night wrapped up with the traditional display of moderately coordinated dancing on the part of all the white folks in attendance (read: 94% of the party).  The newlyweds kicked it off with some dance that looked as if it was a mix between a waltz and a swing dance, but in slow motion.  My parents then jumped in after much prodding from us kids and we watched my dad hobble a bit on his bad knee and my mom somehow managed to miss every single bass-line.  I was convinced that she either legitimately could not hear the same song we were listening to, or it was some act of defiance against rhythm everywhere – “No no rhythm, I hear you…I’m doing this my way.”

I spent most of Monday traveling, 2 hour drive to SF from Napa, 2 hour BART ride from SFO to Oakland airport, delayed flight so another 2 hours til I actually got home.  I was so relieved to be home that I went in and sat down and relaxed for a couple hours before hunger overtook me and I trudged out to my new (to me) Solara.  As I was walking up (I had parked down the block a bit to avoid a Monday morning parking ticket) it appeared that my rear tire was a bit flat.  Once I got close enough to see what had happened I just stood there stunned for several minutes.  It was as if the universe had decided that the 2 month long series of financial difficulties wasn’t enough…it was time to up the ante.  Based on the information I gathered from my neighbor soon thereafter, apparently at around 2:30 AM on Sunday morning, a drunk driver decided to take that turn a little bit more briskly than his motor skills were ready for and he slammed into 4 parked cars in a row, a la 40 Year Old Virgin.  The last car he hit hugged onto his car like a father clings to the image of his daughter being a virgin and the rest of us that got hit were all thankful since he couldn’t escape and was arrested, his car impounded and his insurance information obtained.  He decided to kick off this little display by smashing up the entire driver’s side of my car, blowing out the rear tire and rendering the car undriveable.  Awesome.  Just.  Fucking.  Awesome.

I spent the next 2-3 hours on the phone with my insurance company, his insurance company, the police, the department of transportation and my parents trying to sort out this mess.  After which it was concluded that nothing could be done until the morning.  Awesome round 2.  I missed most of work getting the car towed, talking to the insurance companies, filing a claim, etc. but one little conversation cheered much of that up.  I was at Enterprise (they picked me up!) getting a rental car and they had me all set to drive some Kia Optima or some such shit and we had this conversation.

Enterprise People: “We picked you up!”

Me: “You sure did.”

EP: “So, you all set with the Optima?”

Me: “Yeah, unless you got a Benz lying around here.”

EP: “Actually we do, right out back, an E350…it’s nice”

Me: “Really?….How much more a day is that?”

EP: “Normally $100 more than what you’re paying but we can do it for $65.”

Me: “Ha…nah I can’t afford that.”

EP: “$35″

Me: “Nah, that’s too much.”

EP: “$25″

Me: “Sorry, I don’t think so.”

EP: “$25″

Me: “Sold.”

So now, for the last few days I’ve been driving around this 2008 E350 and loving it.  I’m fairly certain this car was made for me.  Unfortunately I have to return it tomorrow because of some mixup on the insurance company’s part, but it was fun while it lasted.  Here’s to hoping this is the start of something new cause that E class is damn sure what the future looks like. 

The Desert Island 10

There’s a scene in the movie “High Fidelity” wherein John Cusak, who always seems to land himself roles where he gets to talk to the camera, tells us that “what really matters is what you like, not what you’re like…books, records, films – these things matter.”  To a certain extent I agree, though I think that what you’re like informs what you like and vice versa.  My former roommate Kraig LOVED Rush Limbaugh, ipso facto Kraig was an insufferable pridefully ignorant douchebag.  I’ve had this conversation (what are your desert island top 10 albums, movies, books, etc.) with quite a few people of late and decided that I’d share mine with you.  Let us begin with albums.  Keep in mind that this doesn’t necessarily make this my top ten favorite albums, though there is significant overlap, but if I’m going to be on an island forever, I want a good cross-section of music.

 

TOP TEN ALBUMS

1. Mos Def – Black on Both Sides.  My favorite album of all time.  I can tell I really like an album if Ieast least genuinely like every track on the album.  I love every song on this album.  He shows such musical diversity and tackles such a wide variety of topics.  Interestingly enough I wasn’t crazy about this album when I first heard it but it just got better and better as I got less and less stupid.  Truly a masterpiece.  Highlights – Ms. Fat Booty, Speed Law, Climb, Umi Says
2. D’Angelo – Voodoo.  I’ve decided that D’Angelo’s voice itself is an instrument and is on full display here.  As is typical of great albums, the sequencing and flow of the album is tremendous and more than anything it feels like an experience as opposed to 12-20 songs.  I’m fairly sure that this album was responsible for 68% of all conceptions from 1999-2001.  Highlights – One Mo’gin, The Root, Untitled (How Does It Feel), Africa
3. Radiohead – Kid A.  Though I know more about other genres like hip-hop and R&B, I consider radiohead to be the best rock band of my generation.  They’ve never put out anything less than very good and several of their albums are nearly perfect.  In fact I could easily take OK Computer or In Rainbows in place of Kid A here but Kid A has a certain sentimental value for me.  The first time I heard this album I was in my dorm at college playing a computer game with the lights off.  I listened to the album all the way through 3 times before I even moved.  This really is an experience album for me, which makes differentiating between songs to give highlights more difficult but I shall try.  Highlights – Everything In Its Right Place, The National Anthem, Idioteque, Motion Picture Soundtrack
4. Slum Village – Fantastic Vol. 2.  Though it’s difficult to point to a highlight in the production career of J Dilla as he reinvented his sound several times and was amazing at every juncture, I think this album gives the best representation of his production abilities from start to finish.  This was also a mind-blowing album for me because it was the first album I can remember hearing where the MCs (Baatin, T3, Dilla) were just talking shit – about women, making money, and yes smoking – but it wasn’t highly-commercialized and actually had a soulful vibe to it; thanks largely to Dilla’s production.  Highlights – Climax (Girl Shit), Tell Me, Fall In Love, Get Dis Money
5. Jimi Hendrix – The Ultimate Experience.  Not an album in the traditional sense, thus the reason for the lack of sequencing and flow, it is still a collection of the best songs of the best guitar player to ever live.  Jimi was left handed and learned to play by playing a right handed guitar upside down and eventually could play both rhythm and lead guitar AT THE SAME TIME.  I would sacrifice two of my toes and three inches of height to be able to play the guitar like this.  Highlights – The Wind Cries Mary, Angel, Little Wing, Voodoo Chile (Slight Return)
6. Outkast – ATLiens.  It was really tough to choose between this and Aquemini and I would be very happy with either but since I was exposed to this album first I chose it.  Also, I really like every track on this album and “Mamacita” on Aquemini bugs the shit out of me.  At this point in their career I felt like Big Boi and Andre 3000 were really on the same level lyrically and though people sleep on Big Boi to a criminal degree these days, Andre really did establish himself as the clear better of the two from Aquemini on.  This always hurts an album for me as I tend to listen closely to the stronger MC and tune out when the weaker is rhyming.  I never got that from this album.  It’s also important to note that the actual CD had a naked woman on it and this only strengthened my admiration for them when I heard it for the first time at 15.  Does this make me shallow?  No, it makes them excellent excellent marketers with a similar fondness for beautiful naked women.  Highlights – ATLiens, Wailin’, Mainstream, 13th Floor/Growing Old
7. Dave Matthews Band – Live at Luther College.  This is kinda cheating as it’s a double CD but it’s my list so deal with it.  I actually like these versions of the songs much better than the album versions with the full band behind him.  And Tim Reynolds is good at playing guitar….very very good.  This will always remind me of Prague since I got it right before I left to study abroad there and listened to it almost daily for the 4 months I was there.  Highlights – One Sweet World, Crash Into Me, The Christmas Song, Say Goodbye
8. Jay-Z – The Blueprint.  This album changed hip-hop in my opinion.  It was the introduction of Kanye West and Just Blaze’s amazing production talents, which in turn led to everyone and their mother attempting the sped up soul sample production that these two had perfected.  Also, this was really the turning point for Jay career-wise.  Up to this point he had done amazing albums (Reasonable Doubt) and had huge singles (Hard Knock Life, I Just Wanna Love You) but this was the first time he brought them together.  A great album from start to finish with AMAZING production and several very popular singles.  This was the beginning of Jay’s status as The Don of hip-hop and from this point on he could do no wrong…unless of course you count the second half of Kingdom Come which was pretty damn underwhelming.  Also, includes two of the best verses hip-hop has ever seen…unfortunately for Jay they both belonged to Eminem. Highlights – Takeover, Jigga That N***a, Heart of the City (Ain’t No Love), Renegade
9. Blu & Exile – Below the Heavens.  A modern hip-hop classic.  While it is fairly risky to put such a recent (2007) album on a top ten list this album really is outstanding.  I was told by several people that it was the album of the year and being the skeptic I am I was not prone to agree…until of course I listened to the album at which point I became it’s biggest champion (the last track really makes me want to stand up and cheer every time I hear it…which can make for some awkward moments when you are in a library).  A terrific debut from an artist I hope to hear a lot more from in the years to come.  Highlights – Cold Hearted, Dancing in the Rain, The Narrow Path, The World Is…
10. (tie) Dwele – Some Kinda/Robin Thicke  - The Evolution of Robin Thicke/Anthony Hamilton – Comin’ From Where I’m From.  Is this cheating?  Yes, yes it is.  I wanted a very good contemporary R&B album (because as my friend Kieran so deftly pointed out “What if there are women on this island?!”) and had a hard time choosing between the three.  All three are staples of the marginally suave Clinton seduction technique that admittedly is far from being perfected.  Highlights – (Dwele) Holla, Lay It Down, I Think I Love You, Old Lovas; (Robin Thicke) Lost Without You, I Need Love, Can U Believe, Lonely World; (Anthony Hamilton) Mama Knew Love, Charlene, Comin’ From Where I’m From, Lucille

Ok that took a lot longer than expected so I’m stopping there for now, I’ll do the movies and books another time.  Feel free to comment or leave your own list in the comments section.

Dear Middle School Clint…

It’s been a while since I’ve seen you, roughly 13-16 years I believe.  I was talking to a friend today and realized that I have so much I can teach you, so much I can share that will ease the awkward pain that puberty cruelly brings – along with a vocoder voice, acne and hair in your crotchal region.  This by no means guarantees that if you avoid these habits, fashions or ideas your formative years will be a breeze, however they are words worth heeding.  A few thoughts:

• Cut your hair or grow it out – This ambivalent “i don’t want long hair but i don’t want a buzz cut so maybe i’ll just keep it in the middle and comb it backwards” attempt at style falls decidedly short and ultimately makes you look like a Sonic the Hedgehog….except less blue and adorable.  Try shaving your head.  Now I’m at the point where I can’t really give it a shot and who knows, it may be a good look for us.  Sadly, when I was your age I was content with this trainwreck of a style and now I simply don’t have the shaved head in the arsenal.
• Don’t get braces – Somehow you were talked into getting braces because of one tooth.  ONE TOOTH!  Really?  Just wait for Invisalign or some such retainer-based technology to come along so that you can have a shot with women over the next 5 years.  Or if you do get braces, get clear ones.  Yes I know Mom will be very convincing with her “but the blue ones bring out your eyes” argument but trust me, the less people notice them, the better.
• Wear jeans – Sweatpants simply are not a legitimate clothing option at this point in your life.  Yes, this may change when you return to diapers in your 70s but for all intents and purpose, if it has an elastic waistband and you’re not playing a sport, do not wear it.
• Learn how to get tan – This mystery still eludes me so I have very little guidance for you here.  However, I need you to figure this out.  It’s not as if we are Powder, bending spoons white, but we do retain a reddish sunburnt glow in the summer and a lighter shade of pale the rest of the year.  Tan people are more attractive, ergo, get tanner.
• Play football - You will be good at it, very good.  And, contrary to Mom and Dad’s claim to have “tons of articles” about all the players who have been paralyzed playing high school football, you really will be ok.  After all, there are no pads in basketball, in football, said padding is not only encouraged, it is required.  Plus, this will make for a better explanation as to why you got fatter later in life.  Girl: “Soooo, why are you so…big?” You: “Oh i used to be a D-lineman in college” Girl: “Woooow, here’s my number…and my address…and the key to my house”.  You will enjoy this.
• Be sarcastic – Nice guys don’t necessarily finish last, but those that are boring as fuck certainly do.  The whole doormat nice guy routine will ultimately get you nowhere, unless you’re going after 30 something women who have grown tired of being wronged by the “bad boys” they used to be attracted to.  In which case, that approach may land you one….and then she will promptly cheat on you with a “bad boy”….and you will let her.  Man up!  I’m not positive, but I’m fairly sure your testes have dropped at this juncture so it’s time to take charge of your life and what you want.  If you want to attract women, have some sort of edge.  Given the fact that you’re not legitimately an asshole, act like one when circumstances provide you with the opportunity to be funny – it works.  This attracts girls initially and your inherent nice guyness will keep them around.
• Kiss a girl sooner - It’s not the worst thing in the world that you will decide to wait until 8th grade to kiss a girl.  However, it is inexcusable that you would wait until your junior year of high school to partake in this little adventure again.  If a girl is dating you, she wants you to kiss her plain and simple.  There’s no need for mood lighting or appropriately timed walks in the woods.  If the two of you are alone, grab her and kiss her.
• Invent Proactiv – Not a whole lot more I can do for you on the acne front, it’s coming.  The good news is, it comes for most people and if you can find a way to clear things up a bit better than the other pubescents, I like your chances.
• Do not attempt to be the pensive, deep kid – While this strategy seems deeply compelling, given the success it continually has on TV and in movies, no one really wants to hang out with the weird kid.  Be yourself, most certainly, but randomly spinning in the hallways and perfecting a morose facial expression is not the way to get a girlfriend, or friends for that matter.
• Do not drink milk – I hate to break it to you, as I know cereal is fucking awesome, but you will soon develop lactose intolerance and I don’t want you to suffer through months of confusion, abdominal pain and assplosions.
• Keep listening to hip-hop – For some reason you abandoned it right when it was getting good and opted for “alternative” music.  You can listen to both Nirvana and Tribe Called Quest and this way you won’t miss out on the golden age of hip-hop and have to spend the rest of your life playing catch up.

These are just a few general ideas, I’m sure I’ll be in touch as you near high school and have specific questions about girls and whatnot (e.g. go after Maile Smith, she’s hot and cool and eventually becomes a Mormon, so it’s a small window; break up with Bree after high school, for good…she will drive you crazy, cause you heartache and force you to miss out on fun drunken times in college, which is really where you ought be making bad decisions; etc.).  Until then, keep your chin up….eventually you will be as awesome as me.

Cordially,

Present Day Clint

…and boy are my arms tired

*rimshot*

New York was great.  I got to reunite with Tyler, who I hadn’t seen in years, catch up with a lot of people I hadn’t seen since Prague (including the beautiful bride Nicole) and see how a wedding for someone of our generation is supposed to go.  It was honestly a perfect ceremony/reception/party.  Kudos to the wedding planner (who apparently rolled herself up in some drapes, stapled it, called it a dress and headed off to the wedding) and her assistant (same idea, but looked more like a lampshade).  Though I’d been there a couple times before, with family and passed through on my way to my sister’s graduation in upstate NY, I’d never really been there as a grown up (admittedly a generous classification for me though I am large).  A few impressions:

 

• NYC is like LA, OC and SD all folded on top of each other several times over…everything is just right on top of everything else, which makes it extremely convenient to go out…stumble out of one bar and 7-18 feet later stumble into another
• Having everything crammed together also has its drawbacks, especially given the fact that I’m as big as I am.  I felt constricted a good 84% of the time I was there and rightfully so; our $225/night hotel room was only marginally bigger than my bedroom here at home and Tyler and I had to trade off sleeping on a rollaway since they only offered us one bed and neither of us felt our friendship could withstand a “‘where is your hand?’ ‘between two pillows’ ‘THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS’” moment.  I was also told on several occasions “wow, you got a great deal” and “that’s a lot of space for NY”.
• I’m convinced that pedestrians and cabbies are engaged in some sort of informal Civil War which may or may not predate the Sunni-Shiite conflict.  I walked out of the subway and stood there in a daze as these two groups played chicken with each other.  This conflict was clearly the basis for the game Frogger.
• The pizza really is that good.
• Everyone claims LA is a dirty city, what with the smog and everything, and I’m not prone to disagree.  However NYC may be a close second.  I’ve never been in a city where more random shit has flown into my eye as I walked around, maybe this is why ridiculously enormous sunglasses are becoming more and more popular.  It’s not fashion, it’s safety.  I’m inclined to get a welder’s mask and write Gucci on it.

So yeah, the trip, though very short and fraught with copious amounts of travel, was well worth it.  I really think we have to do something about these fucking airplanes and their lack of space though.  I think anyone over 6′0″ should have dibs on the exit rows or “business class” or first class.  On the red-eye out to NY I was lucky enough to secure an exit row and was seated next to an elderly lady who looked as if she had just left a house full of cats and couldn’t lift anything over 14 pounds.  Let me get this straight, if we’ve crashed somewhere in Kansas we’re counting on fucking Betty Crocker the Cat Herder to kick the door open and throw all the children to safety.  This is a sound strategy to be sure.  You can’t bring more than 4 ounces of toothpaste on board for fear that you might an extremely hygienic, all-whitening bomb but if something does actually happen we’re just gonna hope than the random people who landed in this row happen to be ex-Navy SEALs and firefighters.  Well wish in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up first.

On the way back I didn’t get through security in time to ask the lady at the gate to give me an exit row.  As a result I was stuck next to a family of four with two kids under 6 who would alternate throwing fits when the other kid had the Nintendo DS.  I felt bad for the dad and told him it looked like parenthood was exhausting and he looked at me as if he were a black man and I’d just told him “Man, that racism shit looks like a pain in the ass.”  Throw in the jackass in front of me reclining right into my kneecaps for 6 hours and possibly tearing all my CLs in the process and it was a long flight home.

Whilst I was there though I had a great time, and Tyler and I had the good fortune of stumbling upon Greg, the very non-heterosexual blue starred bunny: