It’s been a while since I’ve seen you, roughly 13-16 years I believe.  I was talking to a friend today and realized that I have so much I can teach you, so much I can share that will ease the awkward pain that puberty cruelly brings – along with a vocoder voice, acne and hair in your crotchal region.  This by no means guarantees that if you avoid these habits, fashions or ideas your formative years will be a breeze, however they are words worth heeding.  A few thoughts:

• Cut your hair or grow it out – This ambivalent “i don’t want long hair but i don’t want a buzz cut so maybe i’ll just keep it in the middle and comb it backwards” attempt at style falls decidedly short and ultimately makes you look like a Sonic the Hedgehog….except less blue and adorable.  Try shaving your head.  Now I’m at the point where I can’t really give it a shot and who knows, it may be a good look for us.  Sadly, when I was your age I was content with this trainwreck of a style and now I simply don’t have the shaved head in the arsenal.
• Don’t get braces – Somehow you were talked into getting braces because of one tooth.  ONE TOOTH!  Really?  Just wait for Invisalign or some such retainer-based technology to come along so that you can have a shot with women over the next 5 years.  Or if you do get braces, get clear ones.  Yes I know Mom will be very convincing with her “but the blue ones bring out your eyes” argument but trust me, the less people notice them, the better.
• Wear jeans – Sweatpants simply are not a legitimate clothing option at this point in your life.  Yes, this may change when you return to diapers in your 70s but for all intents and purpose, if it has an elastic waistband and you’re not playing a sport, do not wear it.
• Learn how to get tan – This mystery still eludes me so I have very little guidance for you here.  However, I need you to figure this out.  It’s not as if we are Powder, bending spoons white, but we do retain a reddish sunburnt glow in the summer and a lighter shade of pale the rest of the year.  Tan people are more attractive, ergo, get tanner.
• Play football - You will be good at it, very good.  And, contrary to Mom and Dad’s claim to have “tons of articles” about all the players who have been paralyzed playing high school football, you really will be ok.  After all, there are no pads in basketball, in football, said padding is not only encouraged, it is required.  Plus, this will make for a better explanation as to why you got fatter later in life.  Girl: “Soooo, why are you so…big?” You: “Oh i used to be a D-lineman in college” Girl: “Woooow, here’s my number…and my address…and the key to my house”.  You will enjoy this.
• Be sarcastic – Nice guys don’t necessarily finish last, but those that are boring as fuck certainly do.  The whole doormat nice guy routine will ultimately get you nowhere, unless you’re going after 30 something women who have grown tired of being wronged by the “bad boys” they used to be attracted to.  In which case, that approach may land you one….and then she will promptly cheat on you with a “bad boy”….and you will let her.  Man up!  I’m not positive, but I’m fairly sure your testes have dropped at this juncture so it’s time to take charge of your life and what you want.  If you want to attract women, have some sort of edge.  Given the fact that you’re not legitimately an asshole, act like one when circumstances provide you with the opportunity to be funny – it works.  This attracts girls initially and your inherent nice guyness will keep them around.
• Kiss a girl sooner - It’s not the worst thing in the world that you will decide to wait until 8th grade to kiss a girl.  However, it is inexcusable that you would wait until your junior year of high school to partake in this little adventure again.  If a girl is dating you, she wants you to kiss her plain and simple.  There’s no need for mood lighting or appropriately timed walks in the woods.  If the two of you are alone, grab her and kiss her.
• Invent Proactiv – Not a whole lot more I can do for you on the acne front, it’s coming.  The good news is, it comes for most people and if you can find a way to clear things up a bit better than the other pubescents, I like your chances.
• Do not attempt to be the pensive, deep kid – While this strategy seems deeply compelling, given the success it continually has on TV and in movies, no one really wants to hang out with the weird kid.  Be yourself, most certainly, but randomly spinning in the hallways and perfecting a morose facial expression is not the way to get a girlfriend, or friends for that matter.
• Do not drink milk – I hate to break it to you, as I know cereal is fucking awesome, but you will soon develop lactose intolerance and I don’t want you to suffer through months of confusion, abdominal pain and assplosions.
• Keep listening to hip-hop – For some reason you abandoned it right when it was getting good and opted for “alternative” music.  You can listen to both Nirvana and Tribe Called Quest and this way you won’t miss out on the golden age of hip-hop and have to spend the rest of your life playing catch up.

These are just a few general ideas, I’m sure I’ll be in touch as you near high school and have specific questions about girls and whatnot (e.g. go after Maile Smith, she’s hot and cool and eventually becomes a Mormon, so it’s a small window; break up with Bree after high school, for good…she will drive you crazy, cause you heartache and force you to miss out on fun drunken times in college, which is really where you ought be making bad decisions; etc.).  Until then, keep your chin up….eventually you will be as awesome as me.

Cordially,

Present Day Clint