Happy birthday America.  As tempting as it was to go out and celebrate your birth by blowing shit up or handing out smallpox-infested blankets to Native Americans, I decided to stay in and rest up for the celebration of my own birth.  However, it wasn’t until now that I realized that America was a Cancer (and no, not in the spread out and destroy everything cancerous way, though there could be an argument for that and it would probably be written in Arabic) and truthfully, it makes a lot of sense.

Cancers are traditionally very guarded, they put up walls to protect themselves and project this hard exterior in order to protect the soft underbelly.  If that’s not America I don’t know what is.  We are the world’s bully, calling out terrorist organizations, not backing down from threats of nuclear war, we are very much the tough guy on the outside.  Hell, we even have right-wing lunatics like Lou Dobbs lobbying for actual walls to be built on the Mexican border.  However, though we put up this tough exterior, we do have a lot of social programs to help those that can’t help themselves.  Granted they could be a lot better, but America is a young nation that is still marginally retarded and is still learning.

Cancers are also very sensitive.  To me, this trait begins and ends with our political process in America and is exacerbated by the intensity of the 24 hour media coverage of everything.  For example, when Michelle Obama (SOUUUUUUUUUTHSIDE!) said that for the first time in her adult life she was proud of her country, how did a good portion of America respond?  ”Oh my god, does this mean you didn’t like us before?  What’s wrong with us?  Why only now?  What an awful thing to say!  Well fuck you then, you hater.”  Aaaand the walls go right back up.  Sometimes Cancers’ emotions can cloud the truth and detract from what is actually a complimentary comment.

Cancers are nurturing.  Give us your poor, your weak, your hungry.  Though America’s take on this is notably less open-arms, we are the world-ish than it has been in the past, we Cancers have a tendency to take on others problems.  So not only are we willing to listen and help out those that seek us out, we are also prone to go and defend people we see as helpless, even if we may have ulterior motives as well (like looking like the hero to impress girls, or making sure we can still make tons of money on oil).

That’s pretty much all I know about Cancer traits, and though I could go look it up, I am too lazy to do so and come up with a definitive list of traits.  Although I suppose we could throw in the laziness I just displayed as a trait since it certainly fits the bill – Americans are the fattest, laziest people on the planet.  There, now we have 4 traits.  Awesome.

As I insinuated earlier, my birthday is fast approaching as well and it always brings up a variety of thoughts and emotions for me.  Every year I always want my bday to be a big event where everyone shows up and displays their undying love and affection for me and I bask in their adoration and love them all back.  Needless to say, I am often let down (for example, the year when my parents forgot my birthday).  I was thinking the other day and trying to figure out why my bday always meant so much to me – I’ve always maintained that the two times people have to pay attention to me (though I appreciate attention most of the time) is when I’m sick or when it’s my birthday – and realized that a lot of it ties back into my childhood shyness.

I was never the outspoken, outgoing kid who got the center of attention merely by walking into a room.  I had to earn it with sarcastic comments here and there that most people wouldn’t get anyway.  As a result I always looked forward to my birthday because it was the one day where no matter what I was the center of attention.  People noticed me, everyone was nice to me and did things on my behalf.  I was less concerned with the fact that most of them did so out of a sense of obligation, it just felt good to be loved and admired without having to act out.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve had to take over planning duties for my birthday, which leads to even more anticipation and excitement being built around the day.  And then of course if things don’t go according to plan I’m at least somewhat disappointed (mostly in myself for not coming up with a more awesome and bulletproof strategy).  This year, though I could certainly use the pick me up given the last 3-4 months, I’ve decided to be more low key about it.  Lower expectations means I have less to worry about and hopefully I’ll do something fun.  If nothing else, it will be a present to myself and a sign of maturity as I enter my late-20’s that I don’t need all the pomp and circumstance of a birthday blowout to feel appreciated.  UNLIKE that insecure fucker America…grow up.