As mentioned in a previous entry, my drink of choice when it comes to alcohol is not just rum and diet with a lime, but Sailor Jerry’s rum and diet with a lime.  Sailor Jerry’s spiced navy rum is essentially Captain Morgan on steroids (92 proof as opposed to Captain’s feeble 70), except cheaper, and better tasting.  Some of my closer friends can attest to many a night enhanced and/or obliterated by the Sailor.  Given its delicious nature, this gem of the drinking world has a tendency to sneak up on its consumers and provide for some very entertaining evenings.  Lest you think I am merely a lightweight, a friend of mine Justin, who used to be the president of his fraternity at the University of Florida and used to jumpstart his night by splitting a fifth of Jim Beam with his brother described a recent night with the Sailor as one of the top ten drunkest nights of his life.

Last night, on my way home I called up my buddy Colm (pronounced like a column – the Irish feel little need to waste letters) and asked him what he was up to.  ”Nothing,” he replied.  Knowing full well that Colm is always up for a little drinking, I asked him the all important question, “have you ever had Sailor Jerry’s?”  He said that he hadn’t yet had the pleasure.  ”Come over,” I said, “bring your drinking pants and be prepared to make some bad decisions.”

8:45 – My roommate Jon, his girlfriend Jess and two of their friends arrive having already spent the better part of their evening at a bar drinking.  Apparently the effects on Jon and the boys are fairly minimal but Jess, either due to her smaller nature or because she was slamming drinks for 3 hours was considerably more intoxicated than everyone else in the house combined.

8:50 – Colm arrives.  Apparently he is taking this night of drinking seriously as he has arrived donning the classiest of attire.  As opposed to the standard white t-shirt, light jeans and white sneakers uniform that typically drapes his 130 pound frame (yes, I am literally twice his size), he has on a blue button up shirt and some black shoes to go with his jeans.  I ask him if he is coming directly from an interview and he replies with a cordial “fuck you.”

8:55 – After exchanging pleasantries we head into the kitchen to make our drinks where we find Jess (the boys went out back to “partake in the doujjjjjj” as she put it) who appears to be concentrating very hard on continuing to remain standing.  I grab the cups and ice and pour a good amount of the Sailor into each cup at which point Jess snags the Coke Zero and decides that she is the most fit to handle the rest of the drink-making.  I hold the first cup steady and Jess focuses, takes a deep breath and promptly pours Coke Zero on my hand that is holding the glass she was aiming for.  ”Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry” as she cleans it up, “hey….HEY!….hey…lemme….hey….lemme try again.”  The second time around was much better and she managed to get it mostly in the glasses.

9:07 – Jon, Jess and their friends head out again and Colm and I move into the living room to drink and catch up as I haven’t seen him in a while.  Most of our conversation revolves around 1. the trials and tribulations of him working with a girl a couple nights a week when he delivers food who has a crush on him but that he recently found out is still 17 - It is decided that he can no longer work at the restaurant - and 2. the handful of people that are more beautiful than us.  The second issue comes up because of the fact that I was telling him about a friend of mine that I recently hung out with.  This guy is an actor, is just starting to have some real success with TV and movies and is considerably better looking than I am.  This is not to say that I am not a self-confident guy, but as Colm put it – “Look, I’m not gay, nor am I modest, but some guys are just prettier than me.”  It really is a complete mindfuck to hang out with this guy as BEAUTIFUL women will circle around him trying to catch his eye like vultures on a carcass.  He completely reverses the traditional role of guys chasing women.  Granted he is a flirt and loves the attention but it is a crazy thing to behold.

9:32 – Colm and I are both feeling the effects of the Sailor.

9:45 – The second large Sailor drink is made.

9:52 – I drop anchor in the bathroom as Colm calls us a cab.  Apparently we were supposed to meet up with his buddy Pine and some of his friends at a bar but they decided it best to meet at his friend Phil’s house to drink more before we go to a bar.  I remind Colm that we will not need any help with the intoxication process after this drink.  He makes a noise that sounds like agreement.

10:15 – We arrive at Phil’s place.  Phil is not there.  Pine is not there.  No one is there but us.  Awesome.

10:20 – The boys arrive and they crack open some beers right as I get a call from a girl that I work with and her friend.  They want to know where we are going, I decide Busby’s since I used to work there and it’s one of the few places I know that we actually might want to go that will let us in with 5 guys and 2 girls at 11:00 PM.

10:40 – We all pile into Phil’s car.  Phil, who had only had that one beer, drove, I sat shotgun since I was the size of the remaining passengers combined, and the 4 other guys sat in the backseat, the three of them essentially using Colm as one big seatbelt.

10:50 – We walk up to Busby’s right as the girls are arriving and I see that there’s a short line but one of the managers I used to work with is out front.  I say hi, he tells us to hang out on the side opposite the main line and he’ll get us right in.

Me: Don’t worry guys, I used to work here, we’ll get right in.

Phil: Um, why don’t we get in that line?  There’s no cover and it appears to be moving fast.

Me: Ha, sure you’re welcome to if you’d like but they know me here, it’s not an issue.

Phil: Ok, well me and Mark are gonna get in that line, see you inside.

10:55 – Phil and Mark enter Busby’s.

11:02 – The rest of us get in.  My pull is less than impressive.  I asked the manager later what happened and he explained to me that I was supposed to follow him in 2 minutes after I said hi to him but was apparently too drunk to take the hint.  Well played Sailor, well played.

11:11 – I make the rounds, saying hi to everyone I know that still works there, get everyone drinks and settle next to a booth adjacent to the dance floor.  The two girls occupying the booth make friends with the two girls in our party and so we all sit down.  These booth girls are fully aware of the impressive nature of their chesticulars and feel the need to share them with everyone else in attendance that night by wearing low-cut shirts.  This also helps to distract drunken men from the less than impressive rest of them.  Kudos young ladies, way to work the system.

11:25 – The music is good here for a change so the girls and I get up to dance while Colm resorts to something resembling a cross between a dog peeing on a tree and some copious dry humping, all while standing up.  I suppose music inspires different people in different ways.

11:47 – Drinks round two.  More dancing.  Asses are grabbed.  Flirtatious looks are exchanged.  Shots are contemplated but decided against and several minutes later I find myself in the booth again with my two girl friends and the Boob Patrol.

12:15 – The West LA Bar Industry Standard White People’s Rock Anthems set begins.  This seriously boggles me.  Every Thursday-Saturday these same bars (Q’s, Parlor, South, Busby’s, Circle Bar) play the same 80’s rock songs and every time the same people lose their fucking minds like they’ve never heard this song before, or like Van Halen was performing 17 feet away.  Staples of the WLABISWPRA setlist include: Pour Some Sugar On Me, Livin’ On A Prayer, Sweet Child of Mine, Shot Through the Heart and many more.  It is literally taken directly from the Time Life “Monster Rock Ballads” collection and these people flip the fuck out every time they hear it, which is at least 3-4 times a week.  I get excited about songs that are either 1. brand new and I really like at the time or 2. old favorites that I haven’t heard in a while.  Someone explain this phenomenon to me please.

12:38 – The music returns to normal and I dance with Agent Mammary of the Boob Patrol, the one out of the two that I would remotely consider hooking up with.  However, she promptly disses me to get another drink and then doesn’t even get a drink and instead dances with other girls.  There went her shot.

12:49 – My girl informs me that Agent Mammary likes me.  I let her know that she dissed me and therefore sucks.  She reminds me that girls like the chase.  I kindly point out that, given her size, a two-toed sloth could catch Agent Mammary in a short period of time and that chasing is clearly not her strong suit.  The Sailor has a tendency to bring out the best in me.

12:55 – I witness both the girls from the Boob Patrol kiss each other and then look flirtatiously in my direction.

12:57 – I decide that I have been entirely too hard on Agent Mammary and conclude that she probably has an excellent personality worth getting to know.  Mine is a kind and gentle soul.

1:05 – I engage in a series of dance routines with one of the girls we came with and she is repeatedly impressed at my ability to move in line with the rhythm of the song without every resorting to the goofy white guy overbite or the staple jerky motion/flailing of the arms move.

1:15 – Last call.  All of Colm’s friends have disappeared, the girls we came with leave and I am left to find the members of the Boob Patrol to see if they would like to all get together and hold hands at a later date.  I go to say goodbye to them and Agent Mammary’s friend tells me, with Agent Mammary literally leaning over her shoulder,

“My friend likes you, do you like her?”

Me: “Um…can she not hear us?

Friend: “No, she can, but she’s shy…so what do you say?”

Me: “Um, sure….she’s got great….personalities”

Friend: “Cool, so what do you want to do about it?”

Me: “Well the night is young, let’s all go hang out somewhere.”

Friend: “Haha, no I’m not coming.”

Me: “Oh, ok….” *turning to Agent Mammary* “well why don’t you give me your number and I’ll call you later and we can meet up?”

Agent Mammary: “I have ‘friends’ here so I can’t exactly be seen giving my number out…”

Me: “Wow, ok how bout you write it down, give to her and I’ll go stand 7 feet away and she can give it to me and I’ll put it in my phone.”

AM: “Perfect!”

Me: “Wooooow.”

1:22 – The phone number is delivered to me and I go to say goodbye to both of them and ask if I can give her a call later and see her that night.  She makes it clear that her interest in me is wanting me to take her out on dates next weekend.

1:25 – I am less than impressed with Agent Mammary’s personality and am now over her.

1:30 – I find Colm drunk as all to be good and goddamned in the booth talking to some girl he apparently has known since they went to Jesus Camp in 6th grade.  They are in no rush to go anywhere and I am annoyed by this until I discover that his friend (Brenda) has a very attractive and seemingly very cool friend.  I am now in no rush.

1:38 – We empty out of the bar and 17 guys are lined up to try to get Brenda’s friend to come to their after party or go home with them.  Every time we dispatch with one of these hooligans another one appears and then the first one comes back for more.

1:50 – We finally pile in a cab and head to my house and the whole ride Colm keeps repeating “Bren……Bren….I love you…..I’ve known you since the 6th grade….since Jesus Camp!…..Bren…..Bren…..I love you….” all the while nuzzling up to this woman twice his size.

2:02 – We get to my place and the girls decide we need to play a drinking game with the remaining Sailor Jerry’s.

2:10 – We start a game of Pyramid of Death (sounds much more ominous than it actually is but it involves a pyramid of cards and I couldn’t think of what else to name it).

2:12 – Colm passes out on the floor to my immediate left.

2:14 – Brenda’s friend curls up in a ball on the couch, decides she can’t drink any more and accidentally releases the first cute fart in the history of gastrointestinal discomfort.

2:20 – I become committed to the idea of getting food and starting pounding water so that I will be able to drive us to Taco Bell.

2:30 – The girls call a cab and head home.  Brenda’s friend gives me a hug, tells me I’m funny and she likes my smell.  I like her everything.

2:35 – Colm pukes in my front yard

2:40 – Half a gallon of water and a cold breeze later and Colm and I are off to Taco Bell where we order half the menu.  On the way back Colm sticks his entire upper body out the window and starts yelling, prompting all the dogs in earshot to start barking.

2:45 – Colm pukes in my front yard some more.

3:00 – Well fed and tired, I head to bed.  Colm doesn’t touch any of the food he ordered.

8:00 – Taco Bell begins its assault on my internal organs.  I awake to the sound of my ass trumpeting and my chest hurting.  To call it heartburn would be a severe understatement, this was more like heart inferno – my chest was ablaze with pain.  Colm is gone and I am exhausted so I head back to bed until the early afternoon.  Until next time Jerry….until next time.